I Have Confidence

With the end of 2010 looming, and with my favourite blogs all writing thank-you notes to the Universe, I feel like it’s time I do so too. With a massaging Luna, or something like that, I read that I would be reviewing my life so far. And turns out that I am.

I don’t like who I’ve become. I used to be all up-beat and happy, but nowadays all I do is study. I forgot my friends, since they were all busy with their lives, I didn’t act according to my values, I forgot how I had come til this point in my life. Yesterday I went to a reunion dinner with my old friends. Old friends of whom I thought they were busy. Too busy to be bothered with me. When everybody told each other what they were doing, what their life looked like, a couple of my best friends told me they were worried about me. They had made calls to other friends, since I didn’t respond to any of their messages. I started to think: how could it come to this point, where I needed to hear those words to understand I went crazy on this all on my own.

I forgot why I decided to go to college. I forgot why I decided to live in the house I’m living in. I forgot how it was to be with friends. Friends who, as it turned out, did care about me. I knew I am a person who needs to be with friends. It took me a little longer to realise that friends keep me from being a different, negative person.

I made those choices in order to do what I love. I decided to learn and develop my knowledge, to experience the real college dream of so many students, because it would be the best possible fit for me. I didn’t want to work a whole year. Developing myself is what I do, and I couldn’t do that any longer under the roof of my parents, or working at McDonald’s fulltime.

So, 2011, or two-thousand-and-heaven (and yes, I truly believe that by saying this every time I think of this year, it will become a reality), is going to be my year. Because I decide so. I’ll kick ass, because 2010 was the year I decided about my future. In 2010 I had the strength to overcome a disappointment. In 2011 I have the strength to make my dream come true. Thank you Universe!

It's a Most Unusual Year

Let me introduce myself. My name, well, maybe you’ll find out some day ;) I am currently eighteen years old, and I celebrate my birthday the seventh of march. So yeah, I’m a Pisces. In elementary school I didn’t believe in things such as horoscopes. I was subscribed to this magazine for little girls, called Tina. Loved it for years, even when I was just eight years old, but I think they changed their target population to ten-year-olds when I was about thirteen. I immediately switched to another magazine. Anyways, the horoscopes were about pocket money, boyfriends, best friends and so on. As I grew older, and became familiar with online horoscopes, I changed my opinion regarding those predictions. I had to, because most of them were so true.

2004 was the year of the monkey, according to the Chinese Horoscope. And let me introduce myself: water monkey, born in 1992. As predicted, 2004 turned out to be one hell of a year. Only twelve years old I played a small role (child number ten, but hey, at least I got to wear a wireless microphone!) in a musical, I went to a photo shoot as the one time cover girl of that same Tina-magazine and I got the highest score possible when I received my Cito-results (a test for pupils of elementary school, in order to know what high school is appropriate). I was truly happy, really blessed and still very grateful for all my experiences that year.

Since then, horoscopes have been my religion. I read mine every day, every month, every season and every year, whenever I find a new one available in my reliable resources. Last year, when I was about to finish high school and move on to a different kind of education (in the arts, if I had it my way), I received a rather weird prediction. As a Pisces, Jupiter would be my lucky charm during 2010, but I still had to cope with a couple of annoying problems in the first three months of the year. Unfortunately, that turned out to be a decline of my talent at all of the Art-schools I auditioned for.

During 2010, I had been very optimistic. Being extremely tired at the end of 2009 because of all the projects I had going on, I was also going with the flow. I had lots of events to attend, lots of friends to catch up with and no problems with my homework at all. I was lucky. Until I started as a student BA, Communication and Information Studies at Utrecht University.

The learning is not the problem. The problem is me. I don’t like what I’m doing. Everything is just fine. It’s just that I’m feeling out of touch with my old friends and not being able to properly connect with new friends. Whenever I feel lonely, I realise how much I need events. Events as small as going to the movies. I need to dress up, and even more, I need friends. Going to college as a ‘normal’ student is not what I signed up for. I want to dance. I want to sing. I want to act. And I will. In 2011 (or, as a fun blogger puts it, two-thousand-and-heaven!), when I’m not tired anymore. When I know a little about how to communicate properly. And when my horoscope has my back.